There are bad losses, and then there's losing 27-7 on Monday Night Football to Case Keenum. Not Caleb Williams. Not even the backup. Case Keenum, third string, 38 years old, playing his first game since 2023, out there carving up the Eagles like it's the 2017 Vikings all over again.
The football gods gave this city one night to be annoyed about it. Then they scheduled playoff baseball for 2 p.m. today, which is the sports equivalent of your buddy showing up with a cold six-pack right as you finish telling him about your day. We'll take it.
First, the Ugly Part
Let's just get through this together.
The Bears held the ball for almost 37 minutes. They outgained the Birds 375 to 248. Keenum went 24-of-34 for 247 yards, threw two touchdowns, and ran one in himself, which should legally require everyone in midnight green to sit in silence for a while.
The Eagles' half of the box score reads like a police report. Jalen Hurts went 16-of-25 for 153 yards with a pick before getting pulled for a concussion check. Andy Dalton came in and threw an interception in the end zone. There was a lost fumble. Ten penalties. Two-of-nine on third down. Sixty-two total yards in the second half — sixty-two! — which is roughly the distance from the Linc to Chickie's if you cut through the parking lot.
Saquon was fine (15 carries, 82 yards) and completely wasted, because you can't feed the running back when you're down three scores to a guy who was coaching high schoolers in his head last season.
The good news: it's Week 3. The Birds are 2-1, the season is long, and the two wins still count. The bad news: we now have to hear about Ben Johnson for a week, and the Hurts concussion check is the thing to actually watch. Everything else is fixable. Deep breath. Moving on, because we have somewhere to be.
Red October, Game 1, Today, 2 P.M.
The soap opera is over: Jesús Luzardo opens Game 1 against the Braves at Truist Park today. Mattingly's calling him the "opener" rather than the starter — Luzardo's three weeks removed from shoulder inflammation and threw exactly four pitches on Sunday, so the leash is short. Behind him? Andrew Painter, moved into the bullpen and ready to take the baton for the biggest relief appearance of his 23-year-old life.
Honestly, it's the right kind of insane. Luzardo since July 1: 10-2 with a 1.66 ERA and 105 strikeouts in 81 innings. The Braves have looked helpless against him all year. If he gives you two or three clean laps through that lineup and hands it to Painter throwing 99 with a fresh arm, that's a real plan against Chris Sale and his 2.16 ERA. It's also the kind of plan that gives you an ulcer by the fourth inning. Welcome to October. Both things are true.
The lineup news is less fun: Luis Arraez is off the Wild Card roster. The ankle sprain is worse than anyone let on, and Otto Kemp takes his spot. So the batting order today is Turner, Schwarber, Harper (in right field!), Bohm at first, Stott, Sosa, De La Cruz, Hill, and Realmuto, who just remembered how to hit at the exact right moment.
It's on NBC and Peacock. It's at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. Your dentist appointment is confirmed. Your cough is developing nicely. We're proud of you.
The Assignment
If last night proved anything, it's that this city cannot survive on football alone right now. The Phillies have never lost a playoff series to Atlanta — 1993, 2022, 2023, three-for-three — and there's no better cure for a Monday night hangover than watching a Cobb County crowd go dead quiet by the fifth.
So: sound on, phone in the group chat, first one cracked by 1:45 because it's an afternoon game and nobody can say anything. If you're going out, any South Philly bar with the volume up is the correct bar.
And dress for the occasion — the entire Baseball collection is still 15% off with code REDOCTOBER through Sunday. The Ring the Bell Baseball Tee was built for exactly this week, and the Dancin' on My Own Tee is pre-loaded for the celebration. Order today, wear it Wednesday for Game 2.
The Eagles will be fine. The Phillies are playing playoff baseball in five hours. Ring the bell and forget last night ever happened.
Go Phils. Go Birds. See you at 2.
