Three days ago we buried Red October and told you the cure was simple: the Birds get the ball on a Sunday. Then the Birds got the ball on a Sunday, took a 20-10 lead into the final eight minutes at the Linc, and handed the game to the Rams like a valet ticket. 24-20. The Eagles are 2-2, the offense has officially filed a missing persons report on itself, and this city just experienced its first Phillies-free Monday of the fall with absolutely nothing to hide behind.
So. How was your weekend?
The Collapse, Itemized
For a half, it almost looked fixed. Jalen Hurts threw two red-zone touchdowns to Darius Cooper — yes, the undrafted rookie, keep that name handy, this gets worse — and the Eagles walked into the locker room up 20-10 with the defense bullying Matthew Stafford.
Then the offense scored zero points the rest of the way. For the second straight week. Here's the autopsy report, and we'd suggest putting the beer down first:
0-for-12 on third down. Not bad on third down. Zero. Combined with the Chicago disaster, the Eagles are 2-for-21 on third down across their last two games, which isn't a slump, it's a lifestyle.
172 total yards — the fewest by an Eagles offense in 12 years. 68 net passing yards, the fewest in 23. Hurts finished 12-of-24 for 93 yards, and it honestly felt more cramped than that.
And the dagger: fourth-and-goal from the 2, up 10, under eight minutes left. Sirianni keeps the field-goal unit on the bench, Hurts looks for Cooper, the ball hits the turf, and you could hear 69,000 people doing the math at the same time. Stafford — who our defense picked off twice and held without a touchdown pass, by the way — marched the Rams right down the field, and Kyren Williams punched in two touchdowns in the final four minutes. Byron Young sacked Hurts twice on the last-gasp drive just to make it official.
"You go for it and you don't get it, that's on the head coach," Sirianni said afterward. "And we didn't get it, so that's on me." Appreciate the accountability, Nick. The kicker was right there, though.
The Part That Actually Worries Us
The defense is fine. Better than fine — Jeremiah Trotter Jr. piled up 15 tackles, Stafford threw two picks and no touchdowns, and a banged-up unit kept a 317-yard passing day out of the end zone through the air. The defense has done enough to be 4-0.
The offense is the problem, and Sunday it was the offense on hard mode: Saquon Barkley left early with a hamstring and was downgraded to out. DeVonta Smith was already inactive. Lane Johnson was out for personal reasons, so rookie Markel Bell made his first NFL start at tackle against a live Rams front. That's a real list of excuses, and we'd happily accept it if the unit hadn't also been unwatchable the week before with everybody healthy. Two straight second halves without a point is a coordinator problem, a quarterback problem, or both, and the Sean Mannion discourse has now reached the "guy next to you at the bar has a binder" stage. Hurts called it "poor execution. I don't think there's any other way to put it." There are other ways to put it, Jalen. Talk radio will be exploring all of them through Friday.
The Assignment
Here's the twist the schedule-makers built in: the Eagles play the Jaguars in London this Sunday — kickoff at 9:30 a.m. our time, Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. That's right. The football gods watched this team score zero second-half points for two straight weeks and said, "do it again, but at breakfast."
Honestly? We're weirdly into it. A 9:30 start means the misery (or the get-right game — Jacksonville is very beatable) is done by lunch, there's a full Sunday left on the other side, and drinking a beer with your eggs because the Birds are on is the most Philly Drinkers sentence ever constructed. Set the alarm, make the group chat location brunch, first one cracked by 9:15. It's five o'clock in London — this is what the shirt is for.
Gear check: the Football collection is the uniform now, built for exactly this kind of grim, loyal Sunday. Order today and it's on your back for the breakfast kickoff.
2-2 with a winnable one at 9:30 a.m. The season's not broken. The offense might be. One of those is fixable by Sunday.
Go Birds. Pass the syrup.
