Be honest.
Did you think "clinch night" would feel like this?
The Phillies can punch their playoff ticket tonight at Citizens Bank Park against the Brewers. That's a sentence that should have us texting the group chat about which bar we're watching at. Instead half of Philly is staring at the wild card standings like it's a hospital chart.
Because here's the thing. The division is gone. Atlanta ran away with the NL East and ended our little two-year streak of pretending we own that thing. So tonight isn't champagne-for-the-division night. It's champagne-for-not-completely-blowing-it night.
We'll take it. We're Philly. We've celebrated way less.
Tonight's Setup
Phillies. Brewers. The Bank. 5:40 start, which is a crime against everyone with a job, but whatever.
Aaron Nola gets the ball. Seven and ten with an ERA in the fours, going up against a Brewers kid named Logan Henderson who's 10-3 with a 2.51.
So yeah. Totally comfortable pitching matchup. Nothing stressful about this at all.
And here's the kicker — Milwaukee can clinch a first-round BYE with a win tonight. In our building. So it's clinch night for somebody either way. The only question is whether we're watching them celebrate on our field while we refresh the Diamondbacks score.
I trust Nola completely.
(I do not trust Nola completely.)
The Actual Math
Magic number to clinch a playoff spot: basically any combination of a couple Phillies wins and Diamondbacks losses. Arizona losing helps us. The Phillies winning helps us more, mostly because it means we don't have to spend another night rooting for teams we hate.
Win tonight, get a little help, and this thing could be done before the weekend.
Lose tonight? We do this whole anxiety spiral again tomorrow. Fun.
The Part Nobody Wants to Say Out Loud
If the season ended today, the Phillies are the third wild card.
You know what that means.
All three games at Wrigley.
A best-of-three, on the road, in Chicago, in October, against the Cubs. Win that and your prize is... the Brewers. The same team currently in town trying to clinch a bye off our backs.
This might be a hot take, but I'd rather face literally anyone in a three-game coin flip than start a series 0-0 at Wrigley with those fans singing that stupid song.
Anyway. One thing at a time. Clinch first, spiral later.
Meanwhile, Ertz Is Back???
Quick Birds note because this news deserves it: with Goedert out multiple weeks after spraining his MCL in Nashville, the Eagles are bringing back Zach Ertz.
ZACH. ERTZ.
The man who caught the Philly Special era's most important non-Philly-Special touchdown is coming back to close out whatever's left in the tank. If he's active for the Bears game Monday night, that first catch at the Linc — even a two-yard checkdown — is getting a standing ovation and you know it.
The Birds are 2-0 and it's been ugly and Hurts keeps pulling fourth-quarter comebacks out of nowhere and honestly? Ugly 2-0 is still 2-0. Save the panic for October. We've got room on the schedule for it.
Tonight's Assignment
Phillies game's on at 5:40. Leave work early. You have a doctor's appointment. The doctor is Aaron Nola.
Win and clinch, and the Bank gets loud for the first time since August.
Lose, and we're all watching the Arizona game on our phones at the bar like degenerates.
Either way — see you there.
Am I crazy or is a "meaningless" late-September clinch game somehow the most stressed I've been all month? Tell me I'm not alone.
