Be honest. You've refreshed your phone at least forty times today looking for Phillies trade news, and it's not even lunch.
Same.
The deadline is Monday, August 3 at 6pm. That's two weeks of rumors, fake insiders, "sources say," and your one friend who keeps texting the group chat that we're getting a guy who was DFA'd in April.
Two weeks is a long time. You're going to need something to drink.
So here it is — the official pairing guide for every way deadline season can go. Print it out. Tape it to the fridge. Godspeed.
Scenario 1: We Get the Righty Bat
The whole city has been screaming about it since May. Every lefty reliever in baseball warms up against us like it's a spa day. If Dombrowski actually walks in with Jo Adell or a real right-handed hitter who scares somebody —
You're drinking: a Citywide. Shot and a beer, no discussion. This is a celebration with working-class roots and you will act accordingly. Bonus points if you're at a South Philly corner bar when the news breaks and a stranger buys the round.
Scenario 2: The Full Blockbuster
The "holy sh*t" trade. A Mason Miller. A Joe Ryan. The kind of move where your phone buzzes 11 times in four seconds and someone in the chat just sends the siren emoji with no words.
You're drinking: whatever the most expensive thing behind the bar is. This happens maybe once a decade. October just got real, and you don't toast a parade-caliber move with a light beer. Order the good bourbon. Tell them Dave sent you.
Scenario 3: We Trade for a Reliever You've Never Heard Of
"The Phillies have acquired left-handed reliever [name you will Google immediately]."
You know this one's coming. It always comes. Some 31-year-old with a 3.80 ERA and "great makeup" who will either become a playoff legend or personally end our season in Game 4.
You're drinking: an IPA you've never heard of either. Something with a weird name and an 8% you didn't notice until it was too late. A mystery arm deserves a mystery beer. You're nervous, it's bitter, and it might work out. That's the whole experience.
Scenario 4: "The Real Deadline Addition Is the Guys Getting Healthy"
If a single beat writer types this sentence, and Dombrowski stands pat while the Braves add two All-Stars —
You're drinking: the warm Miller Lite that's been rolling around your trunk since the Fourth of July. Room temperature. No glass. You don't deserve better and neither does the front office. Drink it on the front steps while staring into the middle distance like a Rocky montage in reverse.
Scenario 5: We Trade With the Mets
It could happen. There are actual rumors linking us to Mets relievers. Which means there's a real universe where we have to say "thank you" to the Mets.
You're drinking: something you regret. Whatever bottom-shelf decision ruined your Feast of the Seven Fishes in 2019. Because even if the trade helps — and it might — you'll feel gross about it forever, and that deserves a drink that matches.
Scenario 6: The Two Weeks of Waiting (You Are Here)
No trade yet. Just rumors, vibes, and Bob Nightengale floating a guy hitting .216. This is the endurance phase. Fourteen days of doom-scrolling between innings.
You're drinking: a Kenzinger. Sessionable, local, built for the long haul. You can have three of these at the bar while arguing about prospect value with a guy named Sal and still safely operate your phone's refresh button. Pace yourself. August 3 is a Monday and you WILL be checking your phone at work.
Whatever happens, we'll be at the bar for the 6pm deadline like it's a watch party. Because in this city, it basically is.
And look — if Dombrowski's allowed to go shopping, so are you. The baseball collection is stocked for the stretch run, and new drops keep hitting all season. Get the shirt now so you're properly dressed when the big one breaks.
Want the actual analysis — the three moves that make this team terrifying in October? We wrote that one sober. Read it here.
This team is gonna kill me. Cheers.
